The Rainbow Blossoms and the Diamond of Delicacy
by Theaphelia
Summary: (This is a parody) Three new girls come to Hogwarts and fall in true love! But can they overcome their tragic pasts! R&R OR I WILL GET MY GOAT TO EAT YOU! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
1. In which we forsake all sanity

﻿ Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. This is written horribly on purpose. I do not reallywrite this bad.Any and all name, grammar, and spelling errors are the fault of the author and she should be held entirely responsible.

And yes, I know Sue parodies are done to death. I'm trying to be funny.

On another note...PLEAEZE REVEIW I LURVE REVIEWZZZES!! NO FLAEMS!

* * *

It was Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts. He was eager to return to the school. But enuf of that. Harry's not important. Let's discuss the cool stuff!!1! 

As the first years went into the Great Hall, looking around in awe, Dumbledore stood up to make an announcement.

"Doesn't he usually do that _after_ the sorting?" asked Hermione.

"Everyone, I have an announcement," said Dumbledore. "We will get 3 new students today."

"Who?" asks Everyone.

"Their names are--"

Three girls walked up to Dumbledore. One of them had long, flowing shiny blonde hair. One had shimmering black hair and a glowing complexion. The other had flaming red hair and freckles that made you want to just PINCH HER WITTLE CHEEKSIES!!! _All_ of them had larger-than-life boobs, tiny waists, and long, luscious hair.

"It's okay, we'll introduce ourselves," says the blonde, shaking her gorgeous, shining, beautiful, marvelous, perfect locks magnificently out of her face (Extravagantly). "My name is Sarah Annabelle Rosanna Alycia Harrison."

"My name is Laura Amora Usora Rumora Allora," says the glowworm, tossing her sleek, raven-colored hair and brushing off her short yet modest pleated see-through leather skirt, which showed off her leather spiked undies. Remember, it was modest.

The redhead smiles, shining with an ethereal, anime-like beauty. "My name is Megara Elladora Gisella Arabella Rosemary Alexandria."

**(From this point on, due to their ridiculously long names, the girls who are obviously Mary-Sue's will be identified by their initials, which incidentally spell their first names.)**

Sarah smiles. "And we--"

"Are, liek,--" continues Laura.

"da bestest eva--" continues Megara.

"MARY-SUES!!!" they all declare. The Hogwarts girls ran away, while the boys stared at their voluminous boobs.The only girl who didn't run away was Hermione, who just rolled her eyes.

Laura stared at Draco suggestivley and wikned (Draycoo is sooOoOOooooO HAWT!!1! lol)

Dumbledore, oblivious to anything but the marvelous new students before him, claered his throat. "Well, tell us about yourselves."

Sarah began. "I can play quittage, rugby, soccer, basketball, baseball--"

"Soccer?" asked Ron.

"She means football," said Hermione. "It's a muggle sport."

"Booooobs," said Harry.

"I kno how 2 transfigure N-tire towns, my animagicus is a Dranticore--" started Megara.

"I can play da flute, oboe clarinet, tuba, trumpet, chimes, alto saxophone, baritone saxophone, french horn--" says Laura.

"--football, polo, batminton, tennis, gym rummy--"

"But I thought soccer WAS football!" cried Ron, confused.

"_American_ football," explained Hermione. "Only American muggles play it."

"Boooooooooooooooobs," moaned Harry.

"--I can talk to animlas, trees, tubas, and macaroni--"

"--Baritone horn, the recorder, the piccolo, the timpany, snare drum, base drum, tambourine, cymbals, the triangle, the gong--"

Draco snorts. "Feh. Anyone can play the gong."

Laura gasps as this _blasphemous_ statement. Draco was going to be her true love!! How could he say such things about his twu wuv?!?!?!?!!!1!(!)!! Heck, how could ANYONE say ANYTHING tewwible about Lauwa?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

Poor Laura stared at him sadly. "Wha--but...but...Waaaaaaahhhhh!!!" She breaks down into hysterical tears. "U R meen, Draco!!! I thought you wuved me!!!!!1!"

_(No exclamation points were harmed in the typing of the previous paragraphs_)

"Hey, how do you know my--"

Megara turned into her animagicus and stood before Darco imposingly. The creature she had become was beautiful, yet horrible. Elegant, yet dangerous. Intelligent, yet stupid in its very existence. That being said, it ate Draco swiftly.

"Uh, what exactly is a 'dranticore'?" Crabbe asked, ignoring the fact that his master was just eaten.

Megara became herself again and explains. "It's a cross B-tween a dragon and a manticore. it's resistant to the strongest of magic, even Dumbledore or Merlin couldn't kill me! It's the strongest creature alive."

"And how did you know Draco's name?" asked Goyle, being uncharacteristically inquisitive. Mary-Sues have that effect, you see.

"Well, I'm a sear. I'm actually Trelawney's niece, see?"

"Oh."

Sarah was still spouting her talents. "--poker, N-E varitation of Uno, war, go fish, kings-in-the-corner, solitarie..."

Three hours later, everyone was finally done listening to Sarah's endless talents, and the three students were sorted.

* * *

Hwo did you like the first chappieieie?????!? PLEEZ REVEIW THEY MAK ME HAPPIE! SQUEE! WEE! KAWAII! I WONT CONTUNUE UNTIL I SEE 1,00,000,0,0,0000 REVIEWS! 

I'm just kidding, but I do like reviews. Leave some if you feel like it.

Special thanks to Melusine for helping me with the title and concepts!


	2. The New Girls are sorted

Hey. Thanks for reviewing. I had to edit it to remove the song lyrics, so all my beautiful ridiculous exclamation point abuse is gone!

And now we enter...the Twilight Zone...

HYE! THANKIES FOR ALL TEH LOVERLY REVEIWS! BUT I DIDN'T GET MY 100,00,00,0000,0 REVIEWS I ASKED FOR! U R TEH EVIL! But I will continue anyway.

* * *

Megara Elladora Gisella Arabella Rosemary Alexandria, born in London sixteen years ago to a family of muggle hobos, stepped up to the Sorting hat and placed it on her head. 

_Hmm, _said the sorting hat. _Megara...an animagus._

_Don't you mean animagicus?_ asked Megara.

_No, now be silent, you little prat--ahem. You are quite the spellcaster! You started using magic at age two? You must have been in quite a bit of trouble...I mean, you must have been an intelligent child, Megara! Hmm...abducted by Hell's Angels at age three...despite the fact that there are no Hell's Angels in England...withstood their cruelty and finally defeated them at age five with the cruciatus curse..._

Megara sat in silent reverie at the sorting hat's words. She recalled how the Hell's Angels had treated her; they forced her to wash dishes at a pub until her fingers bled. Then, they would yell at her for bleeding on the dishes and make her wash them again.

O the agony she had experienced, unlike any other! All who heard her heartwrenching story wept!--for their sanity.

_You are quite the brave little girl, aren't you?_ the sopting hat said. _I will send you to..._GRYFONDOR!

Megara leapt off the stool and went to join the Gryfon--I mean, Gryffindors--at their table.

"Oh, great," said Hermione.

Harry was practically drooling. A large puddle of drool sat in front of him on the table.

"Harry, you're drooling on the table!" said Ron.

"Eh?" asked Harry, turning his head to face Ron and dragging a string of drool across his chest.

Ron groaned in disgust. He groaned even louder when Megara sat right next to Harry. The drool disappeared in the presence of the Sue's aura of messlessness.

Can't have a messy lust object, nope, nope, nope!

"Hi, Harry!" said Megara, her flaming, molten copper hair flowing down around her perfect face, melting the skin right off.

"Hello, Megara," said Harry.

Megara and Harry engaged in conversation while Laura Amora Usora Rumora Allora stepped up to the sorting hat. She placed it on her head.

_Oh, I have been tainted with the lice of Sues! Oh how I regret my--oh! Hello, Laura! Let's see...ah, you are related to Harry Potter, are you? A long-lost twin? My brim, you are...ahem. So, you were cursed by Voldemort at one week of age? At two weeks of age, you were tossed out of the Potter household, because the Potters could not afford to keep you. On the street, you survived on grass, leaves and lightning bugs, which gives you a glowing complexion...and right off the street you were summoned to Hogwarts to recieve your education. And now you desire revenge against Harry for what his parents did to you...I think I'll put you in..._SLYTHERIN!

The raven-haired girl bouncd up from the stool to go meet Drac--who had been spit up by Megara--and get started on her love.

"Hello, Draco!" said Laura.

"Sod off," said Malfoy, glaring at her. Her face contorted into a pout, and he gazed into her eyes...such lovely eyes...he couldn't bear to see such beauty, such love contained in those orbs of mahogany, in such pain.

The Sue's power overtook him, and he jumped on the table and pulled out his guitar. "My love, I have composed a song for you!"

He sang at the top of his lungs--

_IIIIIIII loooooooove yoooooouuuuuu, Laaaaaauuuuuuraaaaaaaa,  
Yoooooooouuuuuuu are beeeeaaaaUUUUUUUtiiiiiful!  
Wiiiiill yooooouuuu maaaaaaaaaaaarryyyyy meeeee,  
Laaaaaauuuuuuuraaaaaaaaa?_

Laura looked up at Draco with tears of joy and love in her eyes. Never before had anyone done something so caring for her! Never before had anyone taken the time to sing a totally bullcrap song for her!

"Oh, please," Hermione muttered, as Larua and Draco shared a passionate kiss in front of all the Slytherins, who clapped happily.

Sarah Annabelle Rosanna Alycia Harrison started up towards the sorting hat. She placed it on her head and sat down.

_NO! NOT ANOTHER--Oh, hello, dear Sarah! My, you are a sweet little thing. How can a human be so impossibly sweet? Oh--you were dropped on your head as a baby, and it destroyed the nastiness gene! You're a total sap--I mean, sugar plum! And what's this? People made fun of you for it? And that just served to make you nicer?_

_Yes_, said Sarah. _I absorb people's nastiness and turn it into the Power of Love._

_Well, certainly such a caring, loyan person belongs in..._HUFFLEPUFF!

The Hufflepuffs cheered, until Sarah stood up angrily and shook the hat around its cottony neck.

"How DARE you! Put me in Hufflepuff, will you! Why I oughta strangle you! PUT ME IN GRYFFINDOR WITH MY OLIVER OR I WILL _PULLLLLLVERIZE_ YOU!"

She placed the hat down on the stool and stalked off towards the Gryffindor table. Oliver tried to get up and get away, but her magnetic Sue power kept him still.

"GRYFFINDOR! Hehehe!" cried the hat, disoriented.

"But I thought all she knew was love!" cried Hermione.

"I'll never understand them," said Ron. "Neither will you, Hermione. It's a phenomenon that just can't be explained."

* * *

THEAKS FOR READING MY STORY!2! I LOEV YOU GUYS! REMEMBER: THE POWER OF LOVE COMPELLS YOU TO REVIEW! I STILL WANT MY 1,000,00,0,0,0,00 REVIEWS! 

I hope you enjoyed that short piece of tripe. It was fun to write it!


	3. The Canon Strikes Back

I hope you're enjoying this. I'm enjoying writing it. I especially enjoyed this chapter. Extra Sue stupidity in this one.

Oh no...here it comes.....!!!

HI GAIZZ! DIJA MISS ME?!?!?!?! I STILL DONT HAVE MY 10,0,0,000,0 REVIEWS! I'M WAITING! AND NO FLAYMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(!!!1!)!!!

* * *

Sarah Annabelle Rosana Alycia Harrison was dancing around the Gryffindor common room, her bronze-hilighted golden tresses twerling merrily, her hourglass body moving perfectly in time to a tune being played on her iPod. 

She sang along in her beeutiful voice:

_"Oops, I did it again,  
I played with your heart--"_

Hermione looked up at the girl in annoyance. "Will you please stop singing? I'm studying!"

"But isn't my voice gorjeous?" asked Sarah, pouting.

"No, it's disturbingly perfect. besides, your iPod shouldn't even be working here. You're at Hogwarts, electronics don't work here."

"But--" Sarah's iPod sputtered and died as Canon fought back against the Sue. How DARE it!!!!!1! Sarah glared at Hemmione. "How dare U!!! Your logic killed my iPod!!! No faaaiiir!!!!!"

"Oh, stop whining," Hermione grumbled. She turned to look at Harry, whose chest was being cleansed of drool by Ron.

"I feel like I'm taking care of a baby!" he cried.

"Harry, are you sure you're alright?" asked Hermione.

"Daaah," Harry babbled, producing a drool bubble. "I'm in wuuuuuuub. Boooobs. Hehe!"

Herrmione rolled her eyes.

It got even worse when Oliver Wood walked into the room.

"Hi, Oliver!" cried the Sue, smiling with an anime-like Kawaii-ness.

"Hello, my love," said Oliver.

"Oh, God," said Hermione angrily as the two began making out.

Harry jumped up angrily. "How dare you kiss my twu wub?!"

"But Harry," said Megara, appearing out of thin air and staring at Harry pitifully, "I thought_I_ was your twu wub!!!"

"You are!" Harry replied, contradicting his hypnotized self.

"How did you just appear out of thin air?" asked Hermione.

"Oh, I apparated," she replied.

_"You cannot apparate on Hogwarts grounds!"_ Hermione screeched. "What's the _matter_ with you people?!"

Canon fought back yet again, and Megara's head disappeared, along with her right arm (minus the hand), her left foot (minus the toes) and two of the fingers on her left hand.

**_(Meanwhile, in the Great Hall...)_**

Several first-years screached as a disembodied head appeared before them, along with a handless arm, two fingers, and a toeless foot.

"OMG! WTF just happened?!!?!" cried Megara, her head floating eerily in front of Dennis Creevey.

Dennis poked the head. Megara tried to bite him, and he ran away screaming.

"I cant move!" she cried. "I can't--HEY!"

Her foot had started hopping away, presumably to find the rest of her body. "get back here!" she cried, trying to float after it. However, she was unable to move. "GRAAAAAAAAGH!"

Professor Snape stared at her incredulously. "What's _this_?"

_"SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!"_

"Well, with _that_ attitude, you won't get any help from me," said Snape. "Twenty points from Gryffindor."

"This isn't MY fault! Blame that damn smarty-pants upstairs! _She _did this!"

"And you, Miss, were stupid enough to try and apparate in Hogwarts grounds. Ten more points from Gryffindor for trying to blame others for _your _idiocy." With that, Snape walked away.

Megara tried to will her renegade foot to trip the potions teacher, but it didn't work. Instead, it bounced upstairs to where her body was, and kicked her in the shin.

"OWWWW!" cried Megara. "LOUSY FOOT!"

After a few minutes of sulking, she heard footsteps approach her. She looked up to find Hermione with a basket. The frizzy-haired girl grabbed Megara by the hair and stuffed her head in the basket. Next, she grabbed the arm and the fingers, and brought them back upstairs.

She placed the basket next to the rest of the Sue and stared at the pieces. "I really ought to just leave you like that," she snapped. "Look what you've done to my friend!"

Harry stared at her, his eyes wide, his mouth even wider. Megara's presence decreased the amount of drool that was on the table.

At least she was good for that.

Megara looked at Hermione pleadingly. "Please put me back together?" she whispered.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Oh, fine." She pointed her wand at the dismembered Sue and said, _"Reparo!"_

The Sue was back together instantly, and the readers wept.

"You wench!" megara cried. "How dare you ruin me like that!!!!! I could have put myself back together!!! I hate you!!!!!!!!!" With that, Megara stormed upstairs to the Gryffindor girls' dorm.

"That's why you asked me to put you back together, stupid Sue," Hermione muttered.

* * *

HEHEHEHEHE!!!!!! NOW REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_(All these exclamation points volunteered for this job and were unharmed by the process)_


	4. The CanonDestroying Cannon and the Sues ...

Hey. Sorry about the wait, but I had to think of a way to connect the "Canon-destroying canon" part to the rest of the story. It was easier in my randomfic because...well, it was random...but randomness is no more! And I finally connected the threechapters! W00t!

Er...I mean...

SORY ABUOT TEH WEIT! MY LIFE HAS BEEN VERY VERY HARD LATELY AND I HAD LOTS OF HOMEWORK (EVOL TEECHERZ...) AND HAD NO TIME TO WRITE MY BEEUTIFUL STORY!

* * *

Sarah Annabella Rosana Alycia Harrison, Laura Amora Usora Rumora Allora, Megara Elladora Gisella Arabella Rosemary Alexandria were in the room of requiment,discusing some imprtant stuff. The Canons were fighting back too hard. They just had to do something!1!

"We must find a way 2 make them submit toour supreemness!" cried Laura.

"And that smar-T-pants wench must go, too!" said Megara. "She humliated me in front of thehole school! That biatch!1!"

"And she killed my iPod! Nobody kills my stuff and gets away with it!" Sarahs aid angrily, letting out an evil squee.

"We must construct a weapon that will bring fear to there harts!"

"We must destroy they're 'canon' nonsense! But how..."

The three Sues put their three collective braincells together and thought. Mind you, these three braincells were exactly alike and impossible to tell apart. There's no original material in a Sue or their braincells.

Finally, one of the braincells had an idea. It returned to its owner, who happened to be Megara.

"We'll make a wepon!" she declared. "A supar-seekrit wepon that nobody will no about!"

"You have an idea?" Laura asked.

"A Canon-destroying cannon!" she said. "We can make one easily with our Sue powerz!"

The three Sues let out squees of devilish delight.

"Let's get stRted!"

And the three Sues once again combined their braincells to form plans for their secret weapon.

-

That night, everybody was eating in the Great Hall, acting fairly canonical.

"Where are those girls?" asked Harry.

"Why do you care?" asked Hermione. "They don't do anything but hurt you."

"But the redhead is my true love...or was it the blonde?"

"They don't love you! They want your body!" Hermione snapped. "They don't care about you or your feelings in the least!"

"But...but...true love!"

"No!" Hermione said shortly.

Harry looked at his plate wuistfully, a small amount of drool trickling down his chin. Ron buried his face in his hands.

Suddenly, the doors of the great hall burst open, and there stood the three Sues, holding a large, gun-like object.

Snape stood up angrily. "What is the meaning of this!" he said angrily.

"We have a new secret weapon!" announced Megara.

"It's called the Canon-Destroying cannon!" Laura chimed in.

"It's a cannon that blows Canon 2 smithereens!" explained Sarah.

"There's no beating our cannon! HAHAHA!"

The Mary-Sues ran around the hall, their long, luscious hair flying elegantly,pointing the Canon-Destroying cannon at various people. The people backed away from the three insane Sues, not wanting to provoke them. However, the Sues weren't interested in just anybody. Theywere savingthe first shot for their biggest enemy.

Hermione stood angrily before the Sues, wand at the ready.

"What are you doing!" cried the angry Hermione. With a loud BOOM, Hermione's face went blank and she stared at the ceiling."Oh, I've been decanonified!"

"Buhhh?" asks Harry, drolling.

"I'm a teenage rebel!" roared Hermione, snapping back to psuedo-reality all of a sudden. "I love Snape! He's just soooo sexy!"

Snape stared at Hermione incredulously as she jumped at him and hugged him. She glared at Ron and Harry.

"Ron, I hate you. I hate Harry, too. I'm becoming evil and I'm gonna marry Snape, and I'm gonna shag him to death, and I'm gonna have lots and lots of cute little Snapes!"

"Are you insane!" asks Ron.

"I second the question," Snape said angrily, trying to pry the hormone-crazed Ho!Mione off of him.

The Mary-Sues targeted poor Filch next.

"Don't decanonify me, you disgusting things!" BOOM! The warped caretaker pulled his shirt off, to the fright of many students,and swung it over his head, singing: "I'm...too sexy for my cat...too sexy for my cat..."

Many students and paintings alike ran away in terror.

"THE MARY-SUES SHALL RULE THE WORLD!" cried the badly developed persons.

They blasted various more people, including Ginny, who ran away to prostitute herself;

McGonagall, who built a jungle-gym in her classroom and let the students play on it;

Severus, whodecided to usehis cauldron as a flower pot; Neville, who easily obtained straight O's in all his classes;

Dobby, who returned happily to the Malfoys;

Draco, who tried to woo Hermione, who tried to woo Snape, who tried to woo Megara, who tried to woo all the _BISHIES!1,_ who tried in vain to escape;

Lucius, who gives all his money to S.P.E.W. and turned Malfoy Manor into a muggle orphanage, and moved himself into the burrow with the Weasleys, whom he befriended;

Ron, who turned gay and tried to woo Harry, who tried to woo Draco, who tried to woo Hermione, who tried to woo Snape, who tried to woo Megara, who tried to woo all the _BISHIES!1,_ who tried in vain to escape;

And at last, they pointed the cannon at Dumbledore.

Dumbledore stood up, obviously angry with the Sues, but still remaining calm. "Why are you doing this to these innocent people?"

"Becuz we R speshul! We can!" cried Laura.

"What, exactly," said Dumbledore, advancing on the Sues, "makes YOU so 'speshul'? Is it the fact that you don't care for anybody in the school? is it the fact that you disregard the rules of the school, and disrespect the professors?"

The Sues were at a loss. Dumbledore pointed his wand at the cannon. "intendo reversi!"

The Sues stared at their cannon. Nothing happened. The Sues laughed at Dumbledore, whose eye-twinkle had returned.

"See? Even the my-T Dumbledore can't defeet our wepon!" cried megara, pointing the cannon at Dumbledore.

"Let's blast him too!" cried Laura.

Megara fired the cannon. It backfired, hitting the Sues, and slowly, they turned realistic.

"What's happening! I'm...I'm acquiring body fat!" Laura shrieked, watching the padding appear on her perfect stomach.

"I...I have a PIMPLE! EWWWWIES!" Megara cried, touching her formerly flawless face.

"I'm stRting...starting to talk liek...like a normal human! Noooo!" Sarah wailed, shaking her head in anguish.

Dumbledore watched the Sues writhe in anger and self-pity as their perfection boiled down to reality.

"Look! My stomach! It has a slight bulge!"

"I HAVE 2 PIMPLES! MY FACE! MY FACE!"

"I can';t say 'boi'! I have to say 'boy!' And my punctuation is normal! Aaaaaaarrrrrrgh!"

Dumbledore turned away from the Sues and returned to his seat at the head table. The students ad teachers gradually began to return to normal. As each person retruned to their canon state, they slowly turned to glare at the former Sues.

The Sues looked at the group of very angry witches and wizards in front of them. They smiled and waved, trying to act normal. It didn't phase them.

They shot the Mary-Sues into the Wild Sue Yonder with their very own cannon. They screamed all the way, their no longer perfect voices echoing in the forest.

Snape gave Hermione two month's worth of detention for trying to pull his pants off. Ron curled into a fetal position in a corner, mumbling about seaweed, and everyone else took time off to recover.

Everything was back to normal. There were no more threats, and Hogwarts would be safe from now on.

Or would it?

* * *

I'M SORY ABOUT TEH WAIGHT! AND DONT FLAEM ME IF MY STORY SUX BECUZ MY FSH DIED AND I HAVE A YEAST INFECTION SO IM VERY VERY SAD U MEENIES!1!


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